Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

when dads have a rap battle

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want