Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane