Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.