PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
hmmm
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Pretty much. 🤣
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Nice try, poison.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler