Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

welp

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”