Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

🤣

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.