Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The asteroid..
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign