PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.