priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.