Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Mad Max Arctic Road

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

I have never related to anyone more.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out