priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!