priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better![]()
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.