priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Phonetics
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
First I was a pebble..
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
