priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
79.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
