Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

work smarter, not harder

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

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