Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies