Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

My wife gives the best headache.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times