Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
The game has officially changed 😎
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.