PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.