Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!