Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.