Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

ㅤ

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”