Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me