Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.