Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.