Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
saw this in a dream
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
channeling her this year
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
accurate
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*