Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I put the hot in psychotic.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE