priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
You Might Also Like
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
for all #parents out there
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that