Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?