Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

imagine getting destroyed like this

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad