Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?