Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.