Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

#Thanos #MondayMood

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Chicken bread

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.