In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m Sold!
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.