Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

✨☝️✨

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Who did it better?

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.