Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so