Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?