Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
You Might Also Like
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a