Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.


A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids


Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?


Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.



Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.


they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead


not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.


Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.


Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.