@FrazzleMyGimp

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

@Birdhumms

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

@mom_ontherocks

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

@jobrowneyes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@tigersgoroooar

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.