PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
the saddest jazz hands ever
