Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Lmao 😁

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”