@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

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@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@DearAuntAbby

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@LeagueofNope

No thanks, people who hum to themselves.

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.