Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!
Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.
No thanks, people who hum to themselves.
I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.
THIS IS THE BEST THING IVE SEEN ALL DAY 😂