Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.