Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again