Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

why I oughta

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

This tweet has been deleted

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.