Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You Might Also Like
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The news in a nutshell.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!