Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

me doing my best

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

hmmmmmm

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.