Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.