Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.