Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

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You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.


I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.


Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop


Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.


When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.


I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.


Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*


Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.