@ArfMeasures

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

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@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop

@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@CruisinSoozan

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@sonictyrant

Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.