Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us