Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.