Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Jupiter
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂