Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

I hate when that happens.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!