PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You Might Also Like
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.