Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere