Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
buying dead houseplants to save time
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The glockness monster
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
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What a year we’ve had this week.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.