Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.