Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Just organising my finances.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.

So that makes sense

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?