Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

The best plant holders?

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.