Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

ㅤ

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).