Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.