I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C