@gasstationgurl

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

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@iwearaonesie

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

@ALF_from_TV

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C