Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Cha-ching is my safe word
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17