Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
You Might Also Like
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.