Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
TODAY
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
