Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

an octopus is just a wet spider

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Just a phase…

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.