Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉