Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

hmmm

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns