Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.