PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
how much for the angry fruit?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.