PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.