PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
This did not end as expected.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Flock of bats
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials