PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
こいつ天才
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma